"I don't even have a picture..."

I recently met with a group of doulas to discuss pregnancy loss and subsequent pregnancies after loss. We had a great discussion that inspired blog posts of the future. Today I wanted to write about supporting women after a pregnancy loss in which they received few pictures and other memory making opportunities. I can speak as a doula that has supported this type of client and as a woman that has lived through this same scenario. In addition to the anxiety of subsequent pregnancies after loss, there can be a lot of feelings of guilt for having so few memories of the first pregnancies. We often hear the women express this sadness and guilt by saying, "We don'g even have a picture." Now can serve as the opportunity to make memories. Some suggestions: -purchase/make a stuffed animal for the baby lost. This animal can be used to labor with, brought to the hospital/birthing center, included in pictures, etc. -write letters to the baby lost to express emotions, thoughts, fears, etc. -suggest finding or creating artwork for the baby lost. -make a piece of memory jewelry (see www.therainbowsisters.com under the resources tab) -donate/volunteer to charitable organizations in the name of babe. These can be great opportunities to do things together as a family. Take pictues and ask for a certificate of donation (many places will make you one if you feel comfortable sharing your story). I would recommend including a little story sharing in the birth plan, especially if there are specifics you want hopsital staff to understand. Also, a support person can be sure to make sure these requests are respected (i.e. the stuffed animal is never moved to the side in the labor room). There are so many powerful emotions relating to birth, especially after loss. Birth is a metaphor for parenthood for so many people, whether they know it conciously or not. Allowing a mother to address some of the guilt from the pregnancy loss and redirecting it to new positive memories is a great lesson for parenting an Earth baby.

Memory Making Ideas

Memory Making-H.O.P.E. Sisters, April 12, 2012

Stepping Stones-blog with lots of suggestions
http://pregnancylossribbons.blogspot.com/

Stillbirthday-love cupboard-maternity and newborn clothing
http://stillbirthday.com/love-cupboard/

Donations in their name (certificates)
-Suited for Success YWCA
-community centers

Random Acts of Kindness
http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/Resources/

1000 Mitvahs-book
http://1000mitzvahs.org/

SHARE

Compassionate Friends

Tattoos-Custom Tattoos by Tonia (Ultimate Arts)

Rocking chair as memorial

Memory stones

Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Walk

Angel Giving Tree-choose a child that is about the age of our angel

Blog/journal

Letters to the baby

Animal idol-butterfly, chickadee, rainbows, birds, bunnies, Noah's Ark, water

Somewhere over the rainbow website

Write their name on the beach, snow

Keep everything in a special trunk, box,

Molly Bears

Honor babies through work

Donate toys to Toys for Tots

Feed birds, care for animals

Share our story to help, inspire, provide new perspective

Coffee mug with picture

Visit him/her every week

Music

Jewelry-belles bowtique, http://www.alacycreationfrompetalstobeads.com/index.html - turn dried flowers into beads

March of Dimes

Scrapbook-shutterfly, walgreens,

Faiths Lodge

Baby book for angels-I Will Hold You in My Heart Forever

Continue to have special decoration for holidays (pumpkin, tree, egg, etc)

Fundraiser to donate to organization

Dove/balloon release

Memory garden

Document subsequent pregnancies

Angel food cake

Facebook groups to share

Ashes to special memory

Name at the bench at the zoo

Knitting socks

Calvin's cupcakes and pins wheels from Heaven-design custom photo for angelversary

yesterday's journal entry...

i am smart. i am kind. i am important. i deserve good things. i trust. i love. i am loved. i am powerful. i remember. i listen. i am strong. i honor. i respect. i am beautiful. i believe. i feel. i am a woman. i am a mother. i am safe.

breathe.

this was yesterday's writing that i did in INK in a JOURNAL...first time since i was a teenager....

i've had a few things happen in the last week that have caused me to come to terms with something that has been rattling around in my brain for years. as people, we spend entirely too much time comparing ourselves to others. and as a parent, we do it even more. the judgement that is rained down on people without knowing anything about their story has completely saddened me. my story (and the baggage that comes along with it) is not the right or wrong way to live, parent, give birth, study, begin relationships, end relationships, decide to go to the doctor, cross traffic or fold laundry. i've had bad things happen to me; all i ask is that someone respect that these things are the threads my spirit is woven out of. and i, when i meet someone, am a collector of these fibers. i want to learn what makes them...them. not to judge, not to compare myself, but to know.

many of us will never be blissfully pregnant again. and for that matter, nothing we ever do again will be entirely without some stabbing of sorrow. every achievement, holiday, scraped knee, first day of school, and phone call is another thing without. However, should our pain mean that those walking different paths can't feel the pureness of joy? no. if we expect people to understand that we cannot be all smiles, then isn't it kind to not expect others to be all frowns? yes.

and in a way, this acceptance of what is and the differences that will occur in nearly all relationships, gives immense peace.

365 days of blogging....

365 days of blogging...i am making a commitment to blog or write each day of 2012. the best part is knowing I've found the road but not knowing where it will take me....

Hello and good-bye

This week has been full of extremes. I learned last Saturday during the Day of Remembrance ceremony that a friend from support group lost her second baby, Josephine at 24 weeks. That same evening I also received a call from a Milwaukee area midwife with a patient at 40 weeks that had revealed in her last appointment she'd had a miscarriage before this pregnancy. This woman had not yet grieved the loss of her first baby and needed my support, either via phone or in person.
This brings us to today. Coffee with one of my dearest strong woman friends helped to muster my own strength to head to the funeral of sweet Josephine. She is beautiful and looks so much like her momma. Many of my Rainbow Sisters from group were there and it felt so good to know that this time we could be together. We cried, we shared, we loved. It was beauty and pain all in the same blink. On my way home to meet another amazing woman for a day of downtown shopping, I got an update phone call from birthing mommy. She was in active labor, doing well, and needed very little reassurance from me.
I had a blast shopping, chatting, and feeling the warmth of sunshine and friendship. I literally got home, sat down to eat and got a phone call from my birth client in chaos. She was so strong but not by "getting through" but rather by asking for help. I could tell by her the sound of her vocalizations that she was so close to her baby and yet so scared to succumb to the power of a birth. Within 15 minutes I was there at her shoulder, reminding her what an amazing woman she was. In another 12 minutes a loud, BIG, and gorgeous Hawke was born.

Welcome Sisters!

Welcome to The Rainbow Sisters blog!  The Rainbow Sisters is a birth, postpartum and bereavement doula service that specializes in the care of families that have experienced the loss of a child.  I formed this organization after losing our daughter Vivian in May 2011.  She was born sleeping at nearly full term due to an unknown cause.  Doula work is such a joy and I believe it helps to create a world that both my daughters will be proud of.